R. Kelly – Untitled

2010-01-06 12:42

How do I know this? Well his latest, deliciously, pervaciously embarrassing collection of sex jams is called Untitled. And it's all about all the things he wants to do to you baby girl, how many times and how loud you’re gonna scream, baby girl.

They're going to have to invent new kinds of rooms and places to shag, cause R. Kelly’s running out of places to pleasure his shorties. "Echo" is sex in the bathroom bedroom, well wherever, but all day, for about four minutes per act... but do not fear, baby girl, he’s ready to go again. About 14 times. Or tuck you up with some biscuits and "go low". And he won't be short of volunteers, 'cause no, there is still nothing hotter than confidence combined with a dirty mind.

When R. Kelly was caught on camera shagging an underage dancer a few years ago, a Salon.com writer bravely pointed out the truth: that his fans weren't watching the video to see the girl naked. No, it was a glimpse of R. Kelly's ass they were after. And Kelly knows it. Enter Trapped in The Closet, which came with a video that featured mostly naked R. Kelly and a couple of bootyful co-stars...which actually was a bit of a waste of time and money, because in order to see R. Kelly Naked all you really need is your imagination, and a little bit of privacy perhaps. His lyrics, beats, and that ooooh, spasmic R&B production will take care of the rest.

Highlights? This isn't high art (although it is compared to Pitbull, Kelly is radio's Gauguin). It's just a strong set in which each song builds to it's own sweet climax. The Keri Hilson Duet "Number One" has extra porno pull, and "Supaman High" (featuring OJ Da Juiceman) is a huge hit with crossover appeal. Otherwise, the tracks’ melodies are as hard to tell apart as identical sextuplets at a lingerie model orgy. But I doubt anyone's going to complain about that!

If you've ever wondered what R. Kelly's pet name for his penis is: the secret's out. It doesn't have one!

What to read next: Kalahari
Read more on:    r kelly

Gregg 2009/12/28 12:09 AM
  • Rating:
Same old tired stuff.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.