Scorpions - The Platinum Collection (3CD set)

2006-03-30 12:27

Gallery: The album covers. You'll be shocked.

Not much for the fan here, really. No new tracks. No booklet with interesting info - although looking at the thumbnails of album covers from the past is a rather astonishing and often stomach-turning experience.

Who would believe that a picture of a naked preteen girl shot in the crotch (the cover of Virgin Killer) would even be considered for a cover? Well, the Scorpions did it. And let's not forget that kiddie porn was still LEGAL in Denmark and Japan during the 1970s and 1980s.

Who would think that anyone would want to buy an album of music that sounds like Toto on a heavy dose of Tik? Well let's not forget that this band sold over 22 million records, and are one of the most successful outfits to come out of Europe. Many of these records were sold in Japan, where Scorpions were very big.

Who would think anyone would ever take this band seriously? Well, "No One Like You" was a cult hit even after gothic and alternative music stole much of metal's audience. And Michael Schenker's guitar and alcoholic frontman Klaus Mein's vocals are a triumph of layering - more grand even than the hairstyles that were fashionable at the time.

It's considered cool to own a few things you KNOW are in revoltingly bad taste. Like a furry handbag. Or a pair of flip flops with fluffy balls at the toe strap. Well The Platinum Collection is packed with musical pom-poms and pink furry balls. Try these lyrics from "Rock You Like a Hurricane" for size:

"So what is wrong
With another sin
The bitch is hungry
She needs to tell
So give her inches
And feed her well"

Unbelievable, Ja? Well that klanker was a radio hit in the USA too...

When the entire output of a band makes you laugh until you cry, you know you've struck gold. Scorpions are this fool's gold. They're so dated they're "now", so bad they're brilliant. But unless you completely disagree with this review and think Scorpions are talented artists, don't waste your money on the actual album. Instead, head to your closest vinyl store or fleamarket and get hold of an old LP. Frame it and hang it in your bathroom - on the back of the door.

- Jean Barker


...few compilation albums have seen the light of day since their inception. But this particular one is without a doubt the most complete, consisting of no less than 3 CD's it contains an impressive 48 tracks.
- SDR for

This German outfit is best described as Toto on Tik. Their music is so awful it's awesome. Their album covers are so offensive they're funny. This album is the best album to buy if you've always wanted to own three CDs worth of screaming, heavily accented ego so powerful it could - and does - melt cheese.

neville van wyk 2006/02/25 9:23 PM
scorpions platinum be real ,a glam rock band that actually made it BIG! she is a model and made lots of ash from that picture ,stop blaming and judging bands on their album covers,how easy is Madonna on her new cd cover! CINDERELLA;Heart Break Station
poep 2006/02/26 9:58 AM
shit obviously jean barker has never heard TOTO thank you. not for TOTO fans
Jean Barker 2006/02/27 9:05 AM
Obviously Poep... Obviously "poep" has never tried Tik. Ok, neither have I. But the point is you'd understand better if you read to the end of the sentance.
Gareth*Vogon*Morris 2006/02/27 1:40 PM
Schenker was with Scorpions? Wow!! You learn something every day - I quite like the Schenker brothers' guitar styles. Did not realise that one of them was in Scorpions (who I have never listened to). Will have to give it a spin then.....
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