2005's Worst Dance Albums... ever - 2005's Worst Dance Albums... ever

2006-07-17 08:49

1. Dans Jou Stukkend
Fancy having all your favourite songs mangled beyond recognition? From intelligent radio hits like "Fast Car", to air guitar classics like "Livin' on a Prayer", to 15 second Jive Bunny styled remixes of the Beatles classics. It's all there. It would be funny, if it weren't so absolutely, perhaps even morally, wrong.

2. Modern Talking - Remix Album
Watch out! Modern Talking have had their teeth polished, and their songs remixed. And they're back to take your heart, or at least take you back to the days of 80s high school discos you'd rather forget. Ja? Nein? It's not up to you.
- hear it, talk about it, even buy it! Here

3. ABBA Hitmix
Perhaps they call it a "hitmix" because they beat you about the ears with it once a year. It WILL feature "Dancing Queen", "Super (sic) Trouper", "Waterloo" or "Money Money Money" there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from ABBA's songs. But you might want to try get a head start this time - just in case you're one of the lucky ones.
- For further warnings, click this link

4. Under Cover
Avoid this slapdash collection of tired pop hits - most so badly mangled as to obliterate all their previous charm. With 22 tracks of aural torture, only masochists need apply.
- Don't click here

5. Toni Braxton - The Remixes
"OVER 1 HOUR OF CONTINUOUS SEXY CLUB MIXES" says the yellow sticker on this CD. Sexy? Not sure. "Unbreak my heart" is a classic, but the remixing is like some kind of 80s nightmare. Rather go for her Best Of and leave the dance to er... the dance people?
- Read review, hear song samples, buy it

Not great...

6. Glen Lewis - Another Mid Tempo
What remains of these once lively house tunes is more Pass Out than Chill Out, and becomes duller and drearier every time you listen to it. Basically, this is just house music slowed down. What for? Well, exactly.
Read about it, hear it, buy it

7. Chillout Session
Yes, there are some good artists featured here. But it's essentially nothing more than a rehash of an overseas release serious dance fans will already have. And it's not really chillout, either. Bad Ministry of Sound! No buscuit!
More about that...

8. Bump XVII
Nothing you read will make any difference to how you react to the latest Bump release. You'll either love Bump XVII, and go out and buy it along with roughly 80 000 other fans, or you'll cringe and cower, blocking your ears.
We thought it was below average.
Here's why

9. E.S.P. 8 2005
Ever danced in a dodgy club to the E.S.P. 2 version of "Keep Pushin'"? Some of us have. Sure, it was cheesy, but "Keep Pushin'" is a 90s classic that's still remixed in not-so-dodgy clubs today. Sadly, it's unlikely many tracks on this latest double CD offering will be remixed in 12 years' time.
Hear why you shouldn't buy it.

10. Derek the Bandit's Chill Out
Ooooh. Imaginative title! Points to great things? Not! Ignore the celebrity DJ hype - this compilation is completely without imagination or merit. You'd do better spending your money on something fresher.
- Get more info, hear song clips. Buy it?

11. House Slammaz Volume 4
Chintzy and dated for the most part, this is aimed at the big hair set and wouldn't seem a classy accompanyment to a routine in the average down town strip joint.
- Straight to the bargain bin. Buy it here.

- Compiled by Jean Barker

Want to kill a party DEAD? Perhaps embarass your kids? Whip out one of these beauties and instantly turn your house party into a house of horrors.

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