Four Factor - Rehab Dolls

2007-11-05 17:33
This week’s factors rated out of ten are:

Chicken/egg factor: What came first? Did the substance abuse come after the fame? Or were these chicken heads prone to popping pills when they were wannabes?
DNA factor: Addiction can run in the family…so, were they in a biological trap from the word go?
Skin and Bones factor: Heroin chic was so 90s. Do these sisters have to disappear and become a shadow of their former self by resorting to substance abuse to look sexy?
Triple R factor: Rehab, Relapse, Recovery. Talk about R-rated! Can these women get a reality check, sober up and make a real comeback?

Amy Winehouse
Chicken/egg factor: For Britain’s top soul diva, smoking marijuana was a norm before she found fame. She’s admitted in several interviews that she was insecure about her looks and had problems with eating disorders, self-harm and drugs. Winehouse sings about her issues and is quite Frank about it in her lyrics. However, in a recent article on, Amy’s father alleges that Amy hated hard drugs until she married Blake Fielder-Civil. Read More Whitney and Winehouse sure know how to pick them! 9
DNA factor: With a surname like Winehouse, you've got to wonder. Amy’s father was a taxi driver and her mother a pharmacist (eish that REALLY really makes us wonder). They separated when she was nine. No records indicate that any of them were addicts. The one thing that her dad apparently had a major influence on is her love for jazz. So let’s not blame the parents please. That’s so passé now. 7
Skin and Bones factor: Winehouse is literally skin and bones and just looks like a walking zombie. Not only that Ms “Told you I was trouble” once claimed to breakfast on Jack Daniels and coke. Amy you need to eat, have a bath, comb your hair and get away from that man! 9
Triple R factor: Amy’s built her career on a hit about refusing to go to rehab. “They tried to take me to rehab and I said no, no, no!” speaks for itself. As addicts say, rehab is for quitters and it doesn’t look like Amy is planning on quitting any time soon. According to, Amy’s father has her obituary ready. Eish, this amazingly talented soul just needs Jesus, man! 7
(Read our review)
(Read about Amy’s rehab stints)

Whitney Houston
Chicken/egg factor: Whitney, once a Divine Diva was raised in a very church-orientated family. Whitney dutifully sang in the New Baptist church choir as a young girl. Everyone knows that all the trouble started when she married that two-timing leech of a man, Bobby “Jailbird” Brown. 9
DNA factor: Yes the gift of song runs in the family. Her mother Cissy Houston was an R&B back-up singer and is related to old-skool R&B singer Dionne Warwick. But we all know who lead Whitney astray. 4
Skin and Bones factor: Whitney was always svelte and pretty, and modeled as a teenager before signing the record deal that made her a mega-bucks star. Unfortunately, her lecherous ex-hubby sucked her dry in every sense. Thank God she’s left him and is now sporting a better weave and looking much healthier. 6
Triple R factor: Whitney has hopped on and off the rehab merry-go-round several times. She’s recently finally made it and kicked the habit (we sure hope so) to the curb. Clive Davis, owner of Whitney’s record label and mentor as well as recovering addict Courtney Love (see below) helped bring Whitney back. Word is that she’s dating R&B singer Brandy’s younger brother, Ray J. Eish chicken murder but at least he’s not a druggy. Whitney is working on a comeback album, while we all wait to exhale. 9

Britney Spears:
Chicken/egg factor:
Britney was lucky to have parents who invested all their cash in her singing career. It sure paid off when she took the world by storm with Baby One More Time! So what went wrong? Everything hit rock-bottom after her break-up with Justin Timberlake. Since then she’s let it all hang out. She’s been married twice, had kids on a whim and is constantly in and out of rehab. 9
DNA factor:
The Spears family has some very dark secrets. Daddy went bankrupt because of her singing career and resorted to such heavy drinking that he was admitted into rehab. Then there are the ex-con uncles and aunts who can’t keep jobs to save their lives. Uncle Willie was caught for burglary and selling drugs while June got in trouble with the law for drinking and driving, possession of a weapon and wife-battering. Yoh! With such toxic DNA it’s no wonder that Britney’s not that innocent! 9
Skin and Bones factor:
Cracked-up ex-pop princess says she’s fed up with all the flab she’s put on since she had her two sons, so she eats junk food and vomits it out to avoid weight gain. 9
Triple R factor:
Rehab is Britney’s new home away from home. We’ve lost count of the number of times she’s been in and out of rehab. Just this year she’s checked in four times, staying less than 24 hours on one occasion. She needs divine intervention. Amen. 4
Read our review of her latest CD

Courtney Love:
Chicken/egg factor:
Her parents divorced when she was two years old and her mother re-married twice. So childhood was hell. She experimented with drugs and got kicked out of schools too many times. Courtney left her mama’s house at age 16 to start a life of her own working as a stripper. So can we blame her for turning to drugs? 4
DNA factor:
Neither of her parents were addicts. Her drug abuse soared when she met her late husband, Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain. The couple almost lost their baby to welfare because she took heroine while pregnant. Eish, another junkie in the making. 7
Skin and Bones factor:
This sister regressed from being a curvaceous rock chick to a cracked-up skeletal actress, and we aren’t sure if everything is still intact upstairs. Okay, we forgive her for her three-hour nude dance at a Malibu rehab clinic in 2004. But what’s up with all the nose jobs and silicone-injected lips? And then she claims she just wants to look human. Yeah right. 9
Triple R factor:
After a tedious 18-month rehab saga, Ms Courtney has finally won the battle against drugs. She’s had her fair share of relapses and even helped Whitney beat the drugs. Her new album, Nobody’s Daughter spreads the message of rehabilitation. Well done girl! 9

Scores (out of 40)
Amy Winehouse – 32
Whitney Houston – 28
Britney Spears – 31
Courtney Love – 29

And the winner of our “baddest girl” award is… is Amy Winehouse! The girl needs help.

-Gugu Mkhabela and Tiisetso Tlelima

Crack is whack but Amy, Whitney, Britney and Courtney just can’t seem to kick the habit. They just keep going back for more. We check out who’s in too deep and who will make a real comeback. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.