Who's the Sir Cliff Richard of 2057?

2007-03-07 17:52
Our task is to figure out who that would be. There are a number of candidates of varying ages. What we've done is taken pictures of these pretty boys, and using an online application called Face Transformer we're made them look 50 years older. (We also made Cliff look 50 years older, for those of you who may still be interested in him in 2057.)


Jesse McCartney
He has the sentimental touch. But does this young boy have the staying power, or the plastic surgeon?
Pros: He already has a famous name and plenty of pop hits
Cons: Plastic surgeons can't write songs

Robbie Williams
He's aging well. He dances, so he's not likely to get all fat and floppy (though there's always liposuction.) He has actual musical talent of his own. He's still so attractive that most men hate him.
Pros: He can write songs and doesn't show signs of fading out. He can be funny and he's certainly one of the top solo stage entertainers worldwide.
Cons: Looks a bit like a monkey. Tendency to be in and out of rehab. That shit ages you. Not the monkey, but the monkey on the back, that is.

Craig David
We won't cross him off the list just because his last album was disappointing, boring, and limp as a wet dishcloth soaked in rose bathwater. We'll remember the good days. When he was sexy. And by that we mean writing great songs that made us want to drive to the beach at night with the windows down and the sound up high.
Pros: He's schmaltzy, so he's saying the same thing Cliff did to win.
Cons: He's not proving he's got the staying power - he's not a live superstar, yet.

Danny K
He's South African, and he's not as famous as many of the others on our list of Future Sir Cliff Richards. But he's got more songwriting talent than many of the foreign stars that dominate our charts and pull the crowds to live venues. So he's in the running (he'd probably be insulted but let's face it, the new Cliff Richard is more likely to be a Soulster than a Serenader.)
Pros: He's cute looking. He's not too white, not too black, not too tall.
Cons: Not too tall, and apparently not very friendly. Cliff does those photo ops. He's got a rep for being a mensch. This helps.

James Blunt
Yep, the ladies love him. Hard to see why, when he's apparently a total bastard that won't touch anything that doesn't model for magazines, now that he's famous. But he's got the knack of appealing to those who romanticise national pride, and guys who jump off cliffs naked.
Pros: He jumped off a cliff for her. CLIFF. Get it?
Cons: Jumping off a cliff is a very obvious ploy, don't you think?

Will the babyface last? 50 years is a long, long time, no matter what you're drinking, who you're dating, or who you're praying to. We can't say but he seems to have something the girls are into. Will it tour the globe? Will it earn him an honorary chieftainship in the African state that rules the world by then?
Pros: Good looks, and the soppy songs that make the top of the charts
Cons: Not enough of a track record to prove he'll stay the course.

Heinz Winckler
If he keeps banging away at it for another forty years, Heinz might turn out to have what it takes. Anyone can learn, and it sure beats being a lawyer, doesn't it.
Pros: He's persistant, we'll give him that.
Cons: His fans will probably all have left the country by the time he gets there.

Cliff Richard
He's come this far - what's another 40 years?
Pros: Looks and sounds very much like Cliff Richard. In fact, so much so that he actually sings and writes the same songs, has the same moves onstage and sleeps in the same bed.
Cons: Looks and sounds too much like Cliff Richard. In fact, so much so that he actually sings and writes the same songs, has the same moves onstage and sleeps in the same bed.

And our winner is? Robbie Williams! He's been around enough to show he's adaptable and can keep churning out the songs. With his rehab thing, he's due for a conversion to a religion any second now. And he's British, so they can knight him for being famous.

Runner up Cliff Richard - he's got almost all the qualities it takes to be the next Cliff Richard!

- Jean Barker

By 2057, hopefully, rock stars will have stopped accepting knighthoods. But the chances are that there'll still be someone who, inexplicably, has escaped the ravages of time and continues to woo the ladies who were once teenagers, bouncing up and down at his live shows.

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