Our comedians have the Zuma-Trump phone chat down pat

2017-02-19 13:00

Johannesburg - The finale of the Roast Battle airs on Comedy Central tomorrow night, and City Press has asked participating comedians to imagine how US President Donald Trump’s phone call to our own President Jacob Zuma went down.

Comedian Dave Levinsohn said he was sure it was the first time a president had to reply to a “Please call me” message.

Trump: How much did you pay for your fantastic great wall at Nkandla?

Zuma: Nothing! The taxpayers bought it for me.

Trump: Smart. Any advice for my fantastic wall?

Zuma: We can put it out to tender. My friends, the Guptas, own a company called Wall ... and all, and all. We get you three quotes, then just add 189millioneleventythousand&345% to the lowest quote.

Trump: Sounds fair.

Zuma: South Africans are very proud to see a man of colour in the White House. Orange is the new black, hey? Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Trump: Very funny. I want to make South Africa great again. How can I help?

Zuma: The only way that that will happen is if you tell me, ‘You’re fired!’

Trump: Fantastic. Great. You’re fired!

Z: Heh, heh, heh, heh ... (clears throat) Donald, it’s not that easy. I have another year left to fix my bank accou ... I mean my country. I have to go now; running out of airtime!

Richelieu Beaunoir said he thought Zuma would open with: “Hello, Donald, heh heh, con grat u lations on becoming president.” And then end with: “I’ve got to run now, Donald. My wives are calling me.

"Before I leave, do you have 250 and zero and million rand to lend me? I’ll pay it back, I promise. Heh, heh, heh, heh.”

Trump: You’re ... breaking ... up... (click).”

Thabiso Mhlongo had a shorter take on things, saying Zuma would probably ask Trump to “please send me a quote for the wall, I want to build one around Nkandla”.

Donovan Goliath imagined Trump would probably trump Zuma on the phone, asking: “Hey Jacob! Wanna know why you could never be cast as Dracula?”

Zuma: Why, bra Oros?

Trump: Because you can’t ... wait for it ... count.

(Laughs hysterically and hangs up)

. Catch the hilarity Monday on Comedy Central (DStv 122) at 21:00.

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