Idols: O Kaptein! My Kaptein!

2011-06-20 09:04
Dibs on Durban: This year’s artists could come from Kwa-Zulu Natal. Erin Fourie, Jess Solimene, Jonathan Grayston, Shekhina Donnell... these are some interesting, seriously talented and surprising contestants.

With 30 golden tickets, Durban is the most successful city on the lineup so far, beating out the dominating force of the Western Cape which only scored 25. 

However, it’s common knowledge that for every surprising, hidden talent there are at least ten disastrous, radical attempts at a golden ticket.

Exhibit A (because let’s face it – all these hopefuls are exhibitionists serving the judges their bare naked egos on a platter):  Paige started belting out Leona Lewis’s Bleeding Love while unbelting her garments. The PG black block leaves one believing she went commando, however one can never be sure with these shows. And she says her friends supported her idea. Poor thing...

Exhibit B:  Zandrie van Onselen. After schooling Kurt on how to have more of a “punch” in his voice like her idol Juanita du Plessis, Zandrie took Celine Dion’s The Power of Love into at least five different key changes in her upper register. It was diverse to say the least. She even admitted her husband didn’t enjoy her singing – how much more convincing does one need? Some spirits just can’t be crushed.

Exhibit C: Bevan Jordan.
Allow me to digress: Sometimes I’m convinced that M-Net is still employing Cliff Jennings-type folk (actors who pretend to be serious contestants) to ensure the show stays interesting and the, shall we say less-talented (because I can’t say ‘talentless’ – look what happened to Gareth), make it to the auditions.

Back to Bevan. Johnny Bravo here reckoned he could fill Frank Sinatra’s shoes with his husky tones and “always give 110%” mantra. Kurt politely pointed out the obvious that messing up the words is not equal to 110%. The Kaptein’s quota of helpful advice has been filled.

Beyond these gems Kurt sailed along on the other judges’ opinions while enjoying the entertainment.

Wait, wait. I was going to end the slideshow there, but how can we forget about 19-year-old Reece Morgan, the one charged with exhuming 80s rock? He sang Infant Sorrow’s Inside of You with all the camp fanfare of a standard Russell Brand flick. He deserves kudos.

It was a little creepy to see just how much Randall enjoyed the auditions. The phrases “lovely”, “damn good” and “brilliant” must have felt a little uncomfortable on his tongue. Either Randall’s hearing is on the mend or that pineapple between his butt cheeks has lost its, uh, edge. While a half-smile here and there is encouraging, Randall shouldn’t forget that his role as resident grouch is integral to the success of the show. Especially now that Mara’s gone, who will the audience boo if he starts farting sunshine after every performance?

Speaking of Mama Mara, she made an awkward blast from the past when Phillip du Plessis, a top 100 contestant from last year, told Randall that despite his opposite view, Mara told him in 2010 that he would make it further than top 100 this year. It seems she's still got some clout because Phillip got his golden ticket.

Gareth’s running out of insults and patience so to keep up with the pack, he “lost” a bet with Randall and jumped off the top of the Moses Mabhida stadium. Ooh. You go with your bad self.

But can we get to theatre week already? I’m tired of the jesters on the bloopers reel. 

Mara makes a comeback, guest judge Kurt Darren takes in a strip show and Gareth gets high. What happened to the singers?
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