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‘I'm tired of being told that time heals’ – Zoleka Mandela on Winnie’s death

2018-08-06 11:07
Zoleka Mandela (Photo: Instagram)

Johannesburg - Zoleka Mandela recently opened up about how she is still struggling to come to terms with the loss of her grandmother Winnie Mandela, in a series of Instagram posts. 

It’s been almost four-months since Mzansi learnt that the mother of nation Winnie Madikizela-Mandela was no more. 

As tributes in honour of the late struggle-stalwart continue to pour in, her granddaughter Zoleka Mandela detailed in lengthy Instagram posts how difficult it has been and still is for her to accept the pain that has come with Mam’Winnie’s death. 

“I don't even know what that means exactly, how can anyone say how long you get over grief? I don't think I ever will,” Zoleka captioned a picture of herself. 

In the heartfelt post the 38-year-old When Hope Whispers author explained how despondent and alone she felt, furthermore how detached from herself she was after Mam’Winnie’s death. 

Zoleka goes on to elaborate on how it was the very same people who were absent at her grandmothers side that now forwarded her words of comfort and strength.

“It only hurts more. Where were they when you were suffering in silence and pretending to be okay, when you actually needed their company and not another request from them to take more pictures with you that they are now posting on social media to advance their own interests?” she added. 

Zoleka who had unknowingly spent her final Good Friday service with Mam’Winnie, shared memories of the last few days she spent with her grandmother before her passing in another Instagram post. 

“I wish I spent the night again when you asked me to that Saturday because you would have woken me up in the early hours of the morning when you felt the tightness in your chest,” she captioned the post which featured a video series of their pictures. 

“Why did you wait until I left the hospital to go home and change, for you to take your last dying breath without me? Is it because I always fell apart when you got sick or when you were in pain that I never gave you the chance to be weak so I could be strong for you for a change?” she wrote.

Zoleka concludes the moving post by explaining how much guilt she feels for not having been there for Winnie’s final living moments .

I have the memories of the last few days constantly streaming through my mind. You've said more to me in your visits, their dreams but I wish you had said something to me on Friday when we attended your last Good Friday service together, do you remember how pensive you were during the church service and how I kept checking if you were okay, you were't sleeping through the entire service as you had started doing? You were always so tired and in pain. I wish I spent the night again when you asked me to that Saturday because you would have woken me up in the early hours of the morning when you felt the tightness in your chest. Ma, I only left because you always want us to talk until the early hours of the morning when we have our sleepovers in your bed and I needed you to rest because you had started feeling sick. I wish you had said something to me when we were alone in your bedroom on Sunday, those moments when I helped you get ready for hospital or when I packed your bag just before we left? I held your hand the entire time we drove to hospital, all you did each time I squeezed your hand was look up and smile but no words. I don't know if you knew that I was waiting outside for you the entire time, you would have hated the thought of me sitting on some chair outside your ward and crying my eyes out and not on the blue lazy boy right next to your hospital bed like I always did? Why did you wait until I left the hospital to go home and change, for you to take your last dying breath without me? Is it because I always fell apart when you got sick or when you were in pain that I never gave you the chance to be weak so I could be strong for you for a change? I'm sorry, Ma. I'm falling apart at just the thought that you must have felt so alone at that time if you did, I'm crying because you didn't have to keep your dying a secret from any of us. If you needed me to be stronger for you to tell me that you only had a few more days, I know I wasn't and I'm truly sorry. I have so much guilt. Please know that when these words I write you and those I say to you are not enough because you don't always respond to me, I want and have always wanted to be everything for you.

A post shared by Zoleka Mandela (@zolekamandela) on