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Zoleka Mandela opens up about depression: 'I have been feeling numb and empty'

2018-12-07 16:12
Zoleka Mandela (Photo: Instagram)

Johannesburg - Author Zoleka Mandela opened up about her struggles with depression in a lengthy post on her Instagram page. 

The star, who recently revealed that she is pregnant with her fifth child, did not hold back when addressing her depression, saying that she has been finding it difficult to "shower, be a wife, to be okay, to get out of bed, to leave the house, to stop crying, to be mom or to breathe."

"I'm drowning and I have been feeling numb and empty, it's all-consuming and heavy - sometimes I don't want to face the very things I know that I should," the star wrote. 

Zoleka admits that being back in therapy after eight years, though not easy, has taught her to start making more positive changes in her life. One of which is being completely open about the illness. 

"I think what I'm wanting to say is... I'm depressed and maybe if I'm more honest about these emotions that are representative of the rawness of my reality, the silence won't be bigger than I am."

The star ended off her post by saying that she feels "more determined to overcome" her feelings of "hopelessness and self-blame".

READ HER FULL POST HERE:

View this post on Instagram

I thought I could hold in all the sadness until it all goes away or replace it with something else, I’ve felt myself getting more and more depressed everyday. It’s never an easy emotion to wear or disclose but in my weakness I’ve always found strength in asking for help even if I have always struggled to ask for it because I don’t always know how to or because I do fear losing control. I thought I could come back to social media after a few days and pretend that these past few weeks haven’t scared me into silence, into finding it difficult to shower, to be a wife, to be okay, to get out of bed, to leave the house, to stop crying, to be mom or to breathe. I’ve found that even in my own vulnerability, speaking out has actually always helped me. We feel less alone when we know of each other’s pain and darkness and I have learned that you can’t do secrets and lies when you’re clean and sober and wanting to stay that way. I’m drowning and I have been feeling numb and empty, it’s all consuming and heavy - sometimes I don’t always want to face the very things I know that I should. I know I often recreate unhealthy patterns I’ve used in order for me to deal with the ebbs of my life and although being back in therapy after 8yrs has felt like way too much effort and work for me, it’s teaching me that I am probably where I need to be right now, to start making more difficult but positive changes in my life. There’s so much healing to look forward to, so much healing, freedom and hope that comes with getting the help I’ve been avoiding for so many years. I think what I’m wanting to say is ... I’m depressed and maybe if I’m more honest about these emotions that are representative of the rawness of my reality, the silence won’t be bigger than I am, that I realize that what is going to destroy me is not how I have been feeling but how I’m always running away from experiences in my life I have not shared on social media. Today feels better though, I’m feeling more determined to overcome these feelings of hopelessness and self-blame and not just for my husband and my five children but for me too, because despite everything else, I am still worthy and deserving of LIFE ...

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