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Ricky Gervais' F-bomb and other Golden Globe gems

2012-01-16 09:34
Ricky Gervais
It was a night of few surprises at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards with many familiar faces (mostly past winners) and winning the coveted golden statuette and the opportunity to thank everyone in their lives for this glorious accolade.

Lording over proceedings for the third time was controversial British comedian Ricky Gervais, defying his critics who balked at last year's "mean-spirited" (according to Robert Downey Jr) event in which he aimed his barbed wit at troubled stars like Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen while suggesting that Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie's nominated film The Tourist was a total flop.

This time around, Ricky went for the obvious targets (Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber) while otherwise toning down his acerbic tongue for what he's insisted is his final stint as Golden Globes host. So while he may not have been THAT nasty this time around, Ricky still had these cutting quips to share with his elite audience:

•"So, where was I? Nervous? Don't be. This isn't about you." - Ricky's opening lines.

•"The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton - a bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker and more easily bought... Allegedly. Nothing's been proved."

•Ricky disses NBC, the broadcaster of the Golden Globes: "You get Britain's biggest comedian, hosting the second-biggest awards show on America's third biggest network. It's four? It's fourth."

•"What's with all the divorces? What's going on? Arnold and Maria, J-Lo and Marc Anthony, Ashton and Demi. Kim Kardashian and some guy no one will remember. He wasn't around long. Seventy-two days. A marriage that lasted 72 days. I've sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches."

•"They actually gave me a list of rules. I'm going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out. This is real, ok? No profanity. That's fine. I've got a huge vocabulary. No nudity. See, that's a shame. Because I've got a huge ... vocabulary. But a tiny penis. No, no. Doesn't matter. It works. Don't worry about it. It's fine."

•Addressing Eddie Murphy's decision to quit as Oscars host: "He walked out on them. Good for him. When the man who says 'yes' to Norbit says 'no' to you. You know you're in trouble."

•On Justin Bieber's maybe-baby paternity test: "What a waste of a test that would have been. The only way he could impregnate a girl is if he borrowed Martha Stewart's old turkey baster."

•On the Bridesmaids women: "Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I heard for research they spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren."

•Admitting that he's not allowed to mention Mel Gibson this year, nor Jodie Foster's "beaver", referring to her film starring Mel Gibson The Beaver: "I haven’t seen it myself. I’ve spoken to a lot of guys here, they haven’t seen it either. But that doesn’t mean it’s not any good." (The joke got a thumbs up from Foster who brought her two young sons along)

•Talking about nominated TV series Boardwalk Empire: "It’s about a load of immigrants who came to America about a 100 years ago and they got involved in bribery and corruption and worked their way up into high society. But enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press ... They do a lot of charity work and they’re a nonprofit organisation - just like NBC."

•While introducing Latin co-stars Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas noted how sexy they were before remarking: "Though I can't understand a fucking word they're saying."

•Introducing Bridesmaids star Melissa McCarthy: "She made her mark in comedy this summer by defecating into a sink. Amazingly, that’s still less demeaning than what most of you have done to make it in show business."

•Introducing Colin Firth: "He's also swooned over by women. I don't see it. Good luck to him. He's very racist. I mean, really nasty stuff. Also, I've seen him punch a little blind kitten."

•"She’s always vogue, she’s a material girl and she’s just like a virgin," said Gervais while introducing Madonna.
(Madonna then reciprocated by asking an unseen Gervais: "If I'm a virgin then why don't you come over here and do something about it? ... I haven't kissed a girl in a few years - on TV.")

•Not even Natalie Portman was off limits: "Last year, our next presenter won both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for her work in Black Swan. This year, she took some time out to have a baby. Consequently, she's been nominated for nothing. Really pathetic. But she learned that valuable lesson you all already knew: Never put family first. Please welcome the very foolish Natalie Portman."

Though Ricky's best moment came early on after bringing new friend Johnny Depp onstage to admit that even he hadn't seenThe Tourist yet.

Watch Ricky Gervais' opening monologue at the 2012 Golden Globe Awards:

* The 69th annual Golden Globe Awards will be rebroadcast on M-Net Movies 1 (channel 103) on Tuesday January 17 at 19:00

It wasn't quite the third-time charm for Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais who targeted divorcing celebs, Eddie Murphy and his own manhood in an entertaining but relatively tame night of Hollywood teasing.

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